Thoughts. thoughts. thoughts. I’m so stressed up right now I dont even know what I am supposed to do. Everything has changed. Love has changed. Situation has changed. I’m so sick and tired of constantly chasing after the sun. I’m exhausted of people changing so suddenly and bringing me down.
What do you do when someone who is very important to you, someone whom you loved dearly clearly does not love you the same. One whom you thought was the right one, comes in and out of your life, one moment he loves you deeply, the next moment acting like a stranger and then tells you he loves you deeply again and then started drifting from you the next moment.
I mean, how was I able to handle a person who woke up every day feeling different about his feelings towards me. Why am I still able to love this person wholeheartedly? Why do I still have the same amount of love and faith towards this person? In fact, my love for this very person has never changed. He has always been the one changing, so what do I do to be less hurt by the person who said he loves me deeply and then behaves differently after a short while. What do I do when this person is so important to me and yet in his eyes, I am nothing, I am small and insignificant and I am nothing but something you put on the shelf and to only remember when you need me.
I missed the old you. Well, come to think of it. We really found love in a hopeless place. It wasn’t love.
You. Yes you darling. You found me when I was recovering from my broken soul. Things haven’t been exactly well for us and you have faded from me once but I’m glad that you came back felling in love with me again. As for me, I have always constantly loved you. So far, you’re the best I had, to be honest despite the negativities we have been through. Though we can only be together for a short while but I’m glad that you treasure our moments spent together and dote on me as much as you can. Sometimes, we think about our future because we would never have a future together. It upsets me at times but I guess this is life. Life is weird, and so is love. Heaven plays a joke on us. Brings both of us together to fall in love but can never truly be together. Sometimes, I’m not sure if it’s because you don’t love me enough to make a decision and sacrifice in order to be with me but then again, all I know is I love you enough to respect you and your decision and cliche it may seemed, so long you’re happy, I will be happy too.
No one will understand us. You and I. Perhaps time has played a joke on us. If only we met earlier, if only we didn’t know one another. All the ifs and what could have been. Both of us have sinned so badly and yet we just can’t seem to push each other away once again. You have pushed me away once and I have let myself fade away but heaven played a joke on us and let us saw one another again after months and to realise that our affection for one another is still there and even stronger. Was it all a mistake for both of us to have known one another’s existence? Was it a blessing that we found each other? What will happen to us in the future? Too many obstacles ahead and there we are, ignoring the world and just living in the moment. Should I run away from you? Should you push me away for the better of us? Should we carry on this relationship, this friendship? Or should we just pretend that none of this has ever happened to both of us and it was all just a beautiful dream with a stranger and that we’ll stay in each other’s dreams forever. I love you and you love me and that’s all that matters now. But there we are, worrying about all other factors that will pull us apart someday and being afraid of the day that comes in the future that we may be a ‘past’ in each other’s lives. Like I said, no one will understand us, people can accept us. But people will never understand you and I.
and I feel like an idiot.. as always.. I guess you’ll never know yesterday was raining super heavily and I did not have an umbrella so I went under the rain to get my books, got myself drenched. You were at the mall, needed to cross over to . ( no places mentioned) but you couldnt because the rain was too heavy and even though you were quite a distance away, I went to look for a store that sells umbrella and I just ran over just so to shelter you from the rain over to the place you wanted to go. silly aint I? I guess people would just laugh at how stupid I am. a girl wanting to shelter a guy from the rain etc that she got herself drenched. lol sometimes I cant even understand why am I like this. times like this just shows how much I care about you and even though I know most of the times it’s probably just one sided because all you needed to do was just have sweet talks with me at the beginning when we’ve just started.. you told me you would want me 24/7 by your side, pamper me, treat me well all the time and shower me with tons of love…just those words… and I’ve always been here for you. sometimes I just dont know if Im gullible or Im just easily deceived by you or do you really mean what you’ve said back then because you no longer said such words, you’ve become rather cold to me, you don’t contact me as often anymore, you tend to disappear after evening, you no longer show that you care about me much. well, basically… everything now just shows that you probably arent interested to bother. Maybe I’m just deceiving myself thinking that you are the same and maybe I’m just stupid enough to always follow my heart and not follow what my mind thinks.
Its suffocating me. I want you so badly. I want you to myself. I want to spend my time with you. I want to but that can never happen because you belong to someone else. I can never have a place. I know all your sweet talks are just mere talks, you never actually meant them do you… Yeah I know. Because people like me are so gullible and so easy to destroy.
At times, I cant help it but to think about the future, a happy future…well, at least I’m just imagining if there weren’t any situations, just you and I being in a relationship and seeing how far it would bring us to.. Wouldn’t that be great? Well, at least for me.
Anyway, words cannot express how glad I am upon knowing you and to finally find someone I can love and loves me back. As much as the negativity people think about our relationship, I don’t really care because as long as two hearts are loyal to one another, any problem can be solved (that is if both parties are willing to) and relationships should be between two people, not involving friends or family.
I guess you can really see through my thoughts and me at times. Even when I’m smiling to you, I have this feeling that you know exactly how I feel at times even though and therefore you always ask me if I’m ok…well..I promised you to put on a smile and therefore I will despite whatever emotions or thoughts I have in my mind at that point in time. I wanna treasure every moment spent with you and if one day, shit really happens, at least we both we once shared something special..(obviously I dont want shit to happen). I believe no one, well no one can prevent themselves to go into an emotionally vulnerable state of mind when you are madly in love with a person and you just cant help thinking once in awhile whether things are going to work out eventually with this person… It’s not that you are negative or pessimistic, it’s just that when you love someone, you hope for the relationship to last as long as possible and thus…thinking about the future… That’s not being pessimistic, that’s purely dreaming and imagining what life would be if things are good till then..
Well, emotions aside. I just enjoy being around you..just wished that sometimes time would pass a lil slower, or having more hours spent with you or even…just waking up to see your face beside mine…and have breakfast together…